Always Something

"Always Something" is very dear and personal to me.  It was written February 7 around 12 am and recorded during the second session in June 2010. 

It was a sad look on a wounded relationship and unfortunately instead of acting on the feeling and doing my best to save it, I wrote a song about it. Pretty retarded now that I think about it.

I sat and watched our movie fall apart.  But this was not something  I could rewind or use my imagination for my own ending, this is real, and there's no going back. This is real life, there are feelings involved and errors made & hurt last a lifetime and cause us to choose different courses in life.

I made so many errors during the course of the relationship that disaster was eminent, I was not smart enough to realize that there was a chance at salvation had I only acted accordingly.  I took it for granted.  We don't think of our next breath and where it's going to come from, we just breathe.  Like the abundance of air I never gave our relationship a second thought, I thought we would always be, even in our crippled state.

I was so mentally and financially preoccupied with the making of this album that upon the stages when I needed to do what I could to rescue my relationship, I was so drained that I let it go.  I took for granted that she would always be there, but I was wrong.
The loneliness.  Not only was I lonely, she was too.  She never really showed me, and when she mentioned it, I tried to be by her side.  But see, I was only lonely when I was not busy, she was lonely all the time, I know that now. 

I left her vulnerable and as a result she's gone.  All I have left is a song, he gets the prize, he gets to wake up next to her for the rest of his life.  He gets to enjoy her beauty, her wisdom, her energy, excitement, love of life, love of music, love of all things beautiful.  He gets to have infinite conversation with her and watch her shine throughout life.  All I have is regret, vague memories and a song.

Always something, always something that she said on my mind

Always something, I wish I could turn back time

Something in your eyes told me that you weren't mine

a blank expression, a feign look, but I was blind

Something in the way we touched said that we would not be

a lonely feeling, blank smiles, lost souls, you and me

I should have known there was a reason,

I should have known it was a lie

Always something, always something I should have said on my mind

Always something, I wish I could turn back time

You see, as I look back on the relationship now just at its finality that she married someone else three days ago, it seems like I just went through the motions like a robot with no soul and watched us fall apart without trying to do anything to save our relationship.  I can try to justify my ineptitude by saying I gave her space, or that I was waiting for her to see things my way, but that's bullshit.  I thought she was mine, and would be there for me  and we'd spend the rest of our lives together. 

I didn't know she had an ace card just waiting in the wing.

I seemed to have lost track of my priorities.  I lost track of the most influential person in my life.  I lost track of how empty my life would be without her.   I let her slip away.  I didn't know  she was ready to go, I didn't know I should have cherished each opportunity to be by her side and make things work.  I didn't know I was being tested and compared to.

This song was written as a brief description of the way I felt.  Four minutes, and it was written in just as much time without effort.  Why didn't I do something about it?  Why didn't I let here know how I felt?  I had weeks, months, years to do the right thing, say the right words and show her she's the one, but I didn't.

I thought she would always be around, I thought she was mine, I was wrong.

I wish I could turn back time.

You were always on my mind and now I find myself persecuting myself for all my errors and condemn myself for all of my wrongs.

I'm reliving each word, each memory that I possibly can.  I have a memory, he has you.  The decision you made, was catastrophic.  The decision you made was final.


I find myself trying to relive the entire relationship.  Relive the happy times & the sad ones.  I find your words ringing loudly in my mind.  I can also hear the words I should have said and see what I should have done.  I can smell you, taste you, feel  you, but he has you.

It's hard to listen to "Always Something" and it's going to be a struggle to sing it without reliving us, without a knot in my throat, without you.